This one is just about me, and a little on the whiny side…..I suppose…..

Unless you would like to join me in some of the more…well, I hesitate to call today unpleasant because so much of it was good….but a day filled with emotional highs and….well….again, not so much lows; but the toll that an emotionally challenging day can bring. That is what we shall experience here together. If this one doesn’t sound like it is for you….eh…go look at my pictures or read one of the older blogs….watch highlights from the Men’s NCAA Basketball Tournament. All I can promise with this entry is……the truth……about me………the way God created me to be.

The day started off great. I felt rested this morning, spent time in Proverbs 5, wrote in my journal, didn’t develop any new bug bites on my ankle, and showed signs of healing those I already have. One of the thoughts/realizations/convictions that has occupied, a great deal of, my thoughts since arriving is when I do rest?

I do have every Monday off from the clinic, and yesterday was a great day of rest; but when do I rest? I suppose what I mean is, when do I rest in the manner I am accustomed to resting? That would be sitting my butt in front of a TV, shutting off all brain activity and just be mindlessly entertained. When can I get out, walk around, and be just another person out for a jog or in the grocery store?

Well…….perhaps I need to put a map up in the guest house with a big sticker that reads “YO, BUDDY….YOU ARE HERE, HERE BEING SUDAN”.

I will admit, it is easy to forget; but also easy to forget a couple of new “titles” and what that taught me about how I really do live my life.

“Kawaaja”, which means white person. Which also means that I do not just blend in based on the color of my skin. Well, even in Prague I did not blend in all that well either; I don’t appear Czech. I do not know how to explain that one, but I am certain the “where am I” look on my face and the constant picture taking didn’t help.

When I go places, people do stare. I don’t mind, but it does leave the feeling of always being watched. Again, not a big deal, it is something to get used to.

Now, always being watched is a good transition to another new title, which also part of the conviction aspect that I realized escaped me often when I was home, “Missionary” and “Christian”. All of the children know why I am here and how that is based on my Christian beliefs. Now, the locals know that too, so again I feel as though I am always being watched, and the “Christian” aspects of who I am are always being scrutinized.

Writing that sounds odd to me, and you might already be saying the same thing to yourself.

There are no “aspects” of me that are Christian; all of me is Christian…so I thought…….or……perhaps……..it is true, but again…something else to get used to.?.?.?.?

So now…the conviction, why am I just now experiencing this? Am I not living my life as I should be when I’m home and in my comfortable places? Do I escape into the brain-free aspects of television more often that I realized, or simply blend in when it is convenient so to give, just myself, the impression that I am not being watched?

…now, if your mind is not already twisted go get a drink of water and some fresh air before this next part…

So, do I believe in an omnipresent God? The easy answer is…yes. The difficult part was realizing all of the times that I was “sneaking around”, and then being absolutely honest with myself and God about them. Even further, to also acknowledge that I am not perfect, accepting the grace God gave us all through the death of Christ, and improving….always improving….to some degree which will be immeasurably far from perfection…..but now….no longer living in ignorance to who I am.

…..now…..guess what…..back to today…..yea, go get a snack and come back……

Around 10 am this morning, one of the orphans Elijah who is 17 months old and incredibly loving came in. Over the weekend, one of the Ma-Ma’s…

…being pregnant or a mother in the Sudanese culture is a position of respect, but typically only from other women and not from men including their husband. Often, if a woman is mistaken for being pregnant, it is regarded as a compliment, and Ma-Ma is the name used for the women and how we refer to the women who take care of the children on a daily basis…

…one of the Ma-Ma’s...was preparing breakfast and had boiled a large pot of water. Well…..Elijah was close to this pot of water, fell, and his hand went into the water. He suffered a 2^nd degree burn that covers his entire left hand just past his wrist. Elijah’s bandages need to be changed often and delicately. This beautiful black child now has a very tender pink hand where all of the skin has been removed. Today it was my job to hold and do my best to comfort Elijah while Emily and Mirjam cleaned the wound and put on new dressings.

How do you comfort a 17 month old child; who only because of their age cannot fully understand why they are in so much pain, why people they only knew as loving are now causing more pain, and we do not fully speak the language?

…right…….I don’t know either…

……but it does comfort me to know that God was present, and was speaking to Elijah in some way he could understand. I am sure it was God speaking to Elijah, and not our whispering “kweyes” which means good or it’s ok and “seboom” which means stop, or our tears cooling the top of his head……because he did eventually calm down, and then fell asleep once we were finished. Then we continued the more routine administering of malaria tests to other patients.

The experience with Elijah was very moving and I wouldn’t trade it in for anything else; but it did drain me and left very little for the rest of the patients that came in that day. Yes, I learned a lot today, and I will do my best to do better tomorrow. I have written too much already. If you are reading this part, thanks for reading it all and walking along side of me. At the close of the day, I was too drained to do much more than…….well……feel sorry for myself, and for reasons I cannot put into words……if you can…..please let me know. I’m done.

Happy birthday Andy and Erin, I’m glad I was able to talk with you today Erin, and the couple of others over the weekend. I love you all and miss you very much.