A day full of self-pity and grace.......

April 24, 2008

These days do come often for me. Time and time again I wish they would not, and time and time again I spend an exorbitant amount of time in prayer. Asking, begging, pleading for God to take away the feelings that spark thoughts, which fuel negative thinking, that will inevitably turn into a mental role playing game in which I am some sort of victor…..yet the reality behind the feelings that, always, follows is never a victorious one.

The time in prayer is not considered a waste of time, and this too took a great deal of time to realize. The course of events on these days resembles a circle…..of…despair. First you sense the bad mood, like my left ankle predicting a drop in atmospheric pressure and an increase in humidity. So, pray, and begin to feel better after once again realizing to accept the things I cannot change, feel even better, and then continue the negative thinking and role playing. There is still that component of free will, and how each and every time I freely chose to continue down the path of despair.

…today was one of those days…

Why? The reasons are potentially endless but inevitably unreasonable.

I did have a bad night of sleep, I chose to forgo my morning run (for an extra 30 minutes of staring at the ceiling through a mosquito net), there was an unusually long line at the clinic before it opened (it added a bit of stress), being constantly dependant on others for information (since I am not a nurse or a doctor), others arrived later than I did to the clinic (yet still on time), language barriers (hindering what I would consider quality medical care), and what will definitely be referred to as judgment in regards to some patients (their interest and ability to care for themselves and be honest with us about illness and injury).

This isn’t some profound butterfly affect, but it is another example of the “slippery slope” and the compounding affect of not tending to the nature of my heart and reminding myself of the not just a core issue being in Sudan, but for life……praise, humility, grace, and love. Put another way…Him, me, the gift for everyone, and how I am to treat everything and everyone…..

So, after a long day of having…..well….being cranky, having it affect how I treated patients, staff, and finally blowing up on one of the nurses (on her day off too). It was worked out. God calls us all to forgive and seek forgiveness from those we have wronged. Therefore, with my tail between my legs I asked God for forgiveness, and of course He said yes, but then reminded me of the others that I needed to ask as well. Now, not only was my tail between my legs, my head was hanging low, and a knot was in my belly.

Now, I have never physically melted. The summer of 1996 was close, when one day the temperature hit 115 in College Station, TX; but still….never. I can’t say I have had anything purposely melted on me….I’m just not into that. However, after that exchange of apologies and good conversation that followed; I can tell you how relieving it is to have something melt away and what it means to me to have despair melt away….but then again it is indescribable.

So, after a long day….I go to take a cold shower, only because the hot water heater in the guest house broke, head up the boys dormitory to help them with school work. You know I just feel really good at this point. Spiritually clean, physically clean, and with all freshly cleaned clothes. Then one of the boys bangs his lip on the door, and I pick him up; only to discover he has also wet himself. At this point, it really didn’t matter….not because “what else can go wrong”…….simply it did not matter….”do not concern yourself with the things of the earth”. I remember reading that somewhere…..and I now know it also includes the smell of boo-loo (phonemic spelling of pee in Juba/Arabic) on a fresh shirt. I was no longer full of despair, but full of grace and more than willing to dispense to those who always extend it to me….which……includes everyone.